my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
