Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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