Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
