i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
