My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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