I need help removing her.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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