i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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