I faked an abortion last night.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
