i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
