He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
