somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
