Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
