I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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