Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
