im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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