woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
