In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
