Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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