im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize