If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
ok first of all what the fuck
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
