mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
