If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
