Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
