The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
