I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
