I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
