My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So here I am, sexting at work.
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