I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
