He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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