I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
