he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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