Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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