she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
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