Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
