I just saw a hot homeless man
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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