my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
