Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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