Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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