Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
