I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
