once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
