I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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