Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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