this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
