god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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