When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
