if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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