I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she smelled like a LAN party
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
