Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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