She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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