my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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