hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
