textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
